Today’s guest blog comes from my good friend Mark Tubbs. Mark has taken upon himself much of the day-to-day work associated with Discerning Reader and for that I am deeply indebeted to him. Today he writes about marriage and parenting.

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Back in May, my wife and I attended an incredibly challenging and inspiring Paul David Tripp conference on marriage, entitled What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage (there is a excellent Crossway book of the same name). I learned so much about parenting.

Did I say parenting? Yes; I took away manifold parenting insights from this marriage conference. That’s not to say that I didn’t imbibe any marriage insights; I certainly did. I was chastened up and down regarding all the ways I superimpose my failings onto my wife. I was humbled to learn that the secret to our long and successful marriage is that we share a deep and abiding love for me (HT Jess MacCallum for that phrase).

It’s no secret that the Bible speaks to parenting, but it may be a surprise to you just how often it does so indirectly. At his conference, Tripp stated, “The Bible isn’t arranged by topic. If you go only to the “marriage” passages, you miss most of what the Bible says about marriage.” In his book, he elaborates in a section entitled “Using the Bible Biblically”:

Part of the problem is the way we use Scripture. We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it is arranged by topic – you know, the world’s best compendium of human problems and divine solutions. So when we’re thinking about marriage, we run to all the marriage passages. But the Bible isn’t an encyclopedia; it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption. In fact, it is more than a story. It is a theologically annotated story. It is a story with God’s notes. This means that we cannot understand what the Bible has to say about marriage by looking at only the marriage passages, because there is a vast amount of biblical information about marriage not found in the marriage passages.

In fact, we could argue that to the degree that every portion of the Bible tells us things about God, about ourselves, about life in this present world, and about the nature of the human struggle and the divine solution, to that degree every passage in the Bible is a marriage passage. Every passage imparts to us insight that is vital for a proper understanding of the passages that directly address marriage, and every passage tells us what we should expect as we deal with the comprehensive relationship of marriage.

Ditto with parenting. Perhaps more so with parenting, since each addition of another person to your family multiples the number of social interactions occurring within the family grouping. Tensions, conflicts, and differences are therefore more prevalent than if it were just the two of you coasting blissfully (as if) through married life. If you are anything like my wife and I, you often feel that Sin Personified is having a heyday within your God-given family unit. Where’s the grace?

Grace in all its beauty is found where sin is displayed in all its ugliness, when – and only when – the gospel is being momentarily and actively applied to parenting and the Bible is being used biblically. To lift yet another example from Tripp: if my children wake in the wee hours, start to fight, and I respond by stomping down the hall toward their bedroom with the mantra “inconvenience, inconvenience, inconvenience” running through my head, I am reacting sinfully to their sin. Of course, it’s a fact of life that sinners tend to respond sinfully to being sinned against. “But,” as the Apostle John reminds us in his first epistle, “if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous” (1 John 2:1) That doesn’t only go for the one who is sinning, but for the one faced with addressing the sin. As C.J. Mahaney often says, there is never a moment in which I don’t need a Mediator. Later John goes on to say, “whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked” (I John 2:5). As I am traversing the corridor in the wee hours, abiding in the grace of God means my heart is softening toward my children with every step and I am choosing to view the situation as an “opportunity, opportunity, opportunity” to extend the grace of God through kindness and correction. For ultimately even the corridors and bedrooms of my own house are not my own – they are part of the kingdom of God. And in that kingdom, grace flows in all directions at all times.

To the degree that you use the Bible biblically in your parenting, the grace of the gospel of Christ will be evident to your children, operating as a “trysting place,” in Martin Luther’s words, of personal encounter between your children and your God.

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Mark Tubbs moonlights as a book reviewer for DiscerningReader.com and is a worship leader, care group leader, and occasional preacher at White Rock Baptist Church, near Vancouver, British Columbia. Otherwise he can be found doing his day job as a Bible college registrar. He lives with his wife Cheri and three children – Kenny, Lydia and Leo – with one more on the way, and is currently pursuing an M.Div.

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Quick Look posts are paid submissions offering only a brief overview of books or other resources. Vote in the poll below if you think any of these titles are worthy of a full-length book review!

Marriage Matters by Tony Evans

Marriages today are deteriorating at such a high rate not because we no longer get along, but because we have lost sight of the purpose and prosperity of the marriage covenant. Marriage Matters examines the nature of this covenant, or agreement, we enter into on our wedding day. Tony Evans looks to the Scriptures to define what a covenant is, who makes it, and what the implications are. Chaos arises when we seek to do things our way–the need to align ourselves according to biblical standards of marriage is evident. As Evans explains in the opening pages, “Most people today view marriage as a means of looking for love, happiness and fulfillment. Make no mistake about it, those things are important. Those things are critical. They are just not the most critical.”

So why should you consider picking up this title?

• It’s only a booklet (which would give you more time to read additional books!)
• Evans is extremely engaging and offers great, relevant illustrations
• We are heading into marriage season (June) when newly married couples need to read this message
• Finally this book will help you explain clearly what marriage is… “Marriage is a covenantal union designed to strengthen the capability of each partner to carry out the plan of God in their lives” and why…Marriage Matters.

Humanitarian Jesus by Christian Buckley & Ryan Dobson

What would Christ be doing if He was walking the earth today? Would He be running a foundation, pastoring a church, teaching at a seminary, working in political advocacy, or living amongst people — healing, touching, and feeding?

More importantly — why would He being doing it?

In Humanitarian Jesus, Christian Buckley and Ryan Dobson challenges Christians to think about the role of humanitarian works in the Christian life and to consider what it means and look like to be God’s ministers’ of reconciliation and to share God’s message of salvation.

A thorough review of this subject matter will inform how you should live out your walk as a disciple of Christ in today’s humanitarian-charged society.

Voices of the True Woman Movement by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

In October 2008, over 6000 gathered for the first True Woman conference to hear God’s Word and to affirm His mission and purpose for their lives. Voices of the True Woman Movement is a collection of messages from John Piper, Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Mary Kassian, Joni Eareckson Tada, Janet Parshall, Karen Lorritts, and Fern Nichols initially heard at this conference. Also included is a robust section called Going Deeper: A Guide for Personal Reflection and Small Group Discussion divided into nine sessions enabling further study and application of the biblical way of thinking about womanhood. Are you ready to discover God’s beautiful design for your life?

Character Counts by Charles H. Dyer

Ready for a spiritual “stress test?” Read Character Counts: The Power of Personal Integrity by Charles Dyer. Follow him as he gives an account of some of the best and worst that both contemporary culture and the Bible have to offer. What separates those whose lives have influence and a positive legacy from so many others? The world offers “the good life,” God gives eternal life. The world emphasizes “doing,” God emphasizes “being.” The world stresses achievement, God stresses integrity. The world pressures to conform, God seeks to transform. The world focuses on the outward signs of “success,” God focuses on the inner qualities of the heart.

How are your spiritual vital signs on the treadmill of life? Any irregularities? What’s your prognosis?

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Yesterday I received an email from a reader of this site and today I’d like to answer it (with the permission of the person who sent it). Here is what he wrote:

Thank you so much for your booklet, “Sexual Detox.” I have read it over and over, and am still very much challenged by it. I was recently married and was under the illusion that marriage would solve all of my lust problems… Even though I had been told numerous times that it would not. Now I feel that everything has come to head, I know what I must do, and I want so very badly to do it, but I feel that the devil knows this is THE deciding point in my life on this issue, and he is working hard against me. I feel more captivated and strangled by my sin than ever before, and I need you to pray for me. If you have any advice or encouragement to offer, please tell me.

Thanks for sending this note. It sounds to me like you are absolutely right when say that this is a deciding point in your life on the issue of lust and the acting out of that lust. Satan will be working hard against you and, in many ways, you will be working hard against yourself. You gave yourself over to your sin and no doubt you’ve become captivated by it. As sin always seeks to do, it has ensnared you. But take heart. There is hope.

To reiterate what I wrote in Sexual Detox, the fact that you feel sexual desire is a good and noble thing. God has given you that desire so you will pursue your bride. But, like all good gifts, the gift of sex is one that we are prone to pervert, turning it into a means of selfish self-fulfillment. God wants you to pursue your wife, to win her heart not just once but day-by-day; and he wants you to enjoy sex with her. But, of course, you have grown used to indulging the flesh, to giving it its desires, those desires that are perversions of the true gift. And sin rarely just goes away; it is usually a long and difficult process to put it to death.

A few days ago someone asked me, “What difference does it make that Christ is on his throne?” I had to think about that one, but when I did, the answer became clear. It makes all the difference in the world. Just this morning I read from Hebrews 1 where the author says, “After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high.” There is such glorious truth there.

Purification

First, Christ made purification for sins. This is the very heart of the Christian faith. Finally, after those long millenia of human history, the thousands of Old Testament prophecies were fulfilled in Christ. The seed promised all the way back in Genesis 3 had come and had crushed the head of the serpent. What this means is that if you have trusted in Christ, if you have put your faith in him, you have been purified from your sin. God no longer regards you as defiled by sin, but looks at you and sees the sinless perfection of Christ. Your sin has been given to him, his righteousness has been transferred to you.

Purification is an especially important word when we discuss sexual sin, for no sin makes us feel as dirty, as defiled, as impure as sexual sin. Because sex is so deep, so intimate, it touches the body, the soul, the emotions. And so, when we sin sexually, we tend to feel a deep sense of defilement, and particularly so when we sin in spite of a convicted conscience.

And yet Christ died to purify you from even this sin. You have sinned against God and need to seek his forgiveness. I am sure you’ve already done this, but do go to God, even now, and confess your sin. Be reconciled to God and receive his forgiveness, his purification from sin. Christ is far more willing to forgive you than you are even to pursue your sin.

The Majesty on High

That Christ has made purification for sin is an amazing truth. But it is only half the truth of this verse. Christ has not just died, but he is risen and now reigns at the right hand of the Father. And what does it mean that Christ is on his throne? It means that Christ is ruling and reigning. It means that Christ is sovereign, that he is King, that he has power. He gives power to his people through the Spirit, his Spirit, that he has sent to be our helper. Christ has given you the power to overcome sin. What a glorious truth this is! He has given you all you need, absolutely everything you need, to overcome sin. The Spirit works with us, in us, through us, to destroy indwelling sin and to make us in practice what we are in position–pure and holy.

So there is no excuse. Christ is reigning over the entire universe; he is reigning over sin. If you are to overcome the sin of lust, if you are to turn from your lust and find sexual desire and fulfillment only in your wife, you will need to fight with his power.

Hold tightly to these two truths and never separate them. Christ has died to destroy sin; Christ has risen to reign.

What To Do

I have already encouraged you to confess your sin to God and to ask his forgiveness. And as you do that, confess your own inability to overcome this sin and ask God for his strength, his power. Be utterly dependent upon him.

Be a godly man. Immerse yourself in the Word; be faithful in prayer; be committed to your church. Live a life of godliness. Do not approach the sin of lust as an isolated sin, but approach it as one more sin that needs to be overcome as you seek to be conformed to the image of the Savior.

In committing sexual sin, you have sinned against your wife. You need to confess this sin to her, painful thought it may be, and seek her forgiveness. You will also need to seek reconciliation with her. You are much more likely to overcome this sin with her help than without it. Be very careful not to blame her in any way for your sin; do not implicate her in any way. Confess your sin and ask her to fight with you in putting it to death. As a husband you need to lead your wife. And, as you’ve been sinning against her, you’ve been leading her poorly. Part of shepherding your wife, and often the most difficult part of all, is leading in the sexual relationship. This is especially difficult when you have committed sexual sin. But lead her nonetheless, gently and kindly. And lead her by being above reproach in every way.

Understand the triggers and the warning signs that tell you that you are particularly prone to sin. And react by fleeing from those rather than waiting for the lustful act itself. Speaking personally, I look for tiny things that may be entirely amoral and seemingly insignificant, but I know that they point to a general relaxing of standards and discipline. When I eat too much junk food or drink too much Coke, I know that I’m relaxing my personal discipline and that I’m only a few steps away from committing a sin I’ll regret. So I look for these innocuous things and fight against them. It sounds silly, I know, but I’ve studied my propensity to sin enough to know where it begins. So find those triggers in your own life, even those amoral things, and react against them. Look for situations that lead you to sin, whether that involves browsing certain web sites or being in certain places or staying up past certain hours.

And finally, seek out an older man who can mentor you. Find a man in your church whom you respect and ask if he will help you fight lust and become a better husband to your wife. Ask him to be not an accountability partner, but a mentor.

Take Heart

And take heart. Many men can testify to God’s grace in overcoming sin. Scripture itself testifies that God is eager and willing to put your sin to death. Christ has died to forgive your sin and he has risen and sent his Spirit to give you mastery over it. He reigns and he is on your side. What greater hope could there be?

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